You're Not a Man!

The next time you ladies get into a down-and-out shouting match with the man in your life, the chances are very good that every word you say, no matter how hurtful you intend it to be, will go in one of his ears and then leave swiftly out the other.

But allow me to let you in on a little secret: There's one very simple sentence you can state (or scream at the top of your lungs, if you're so inclined) that is guaranteed to silence him--and possibly even cause irreversible damage to his spirit, soul, and psyche. So please never utter these four words unless you're 100 percent ready and able to possibly make do without him for the rest of your life:


YOU'RE NOT A MAN!!


And yes, I admit it: I've had that phrase said to me. Once, back in the 90's...and I'm still not completely over it.

Her name was Kelli Lenox, a cute 19-year-old brunette with long straight hair and a delightful smile. I was a reasonably handsome 26-year-old "up-and-comer" who should have been able to lure that youthful and slightly naive girlie towards me without much of a problem, right?

Wrong!

We got along well and had lots of meaningful conversations; but like so many immature guys, I tried to force a relationship with her. And, of course, that approach never works--and everything just went downhill from there:

-- I became insanely jealous whenever I saw her talking with other guys,
-- I called her way too often, and...
-- I was simply trying too hard overall, a huge turn-off for females of all ages.

So, one day while I was behaving like a complete wuss towards her over the phone, Kelli finally got fed up with my weak ways and roared those four wicked words at me, making it crystal-clear that I had a better chance of striking it rich with my crumpled-up California Lotto ticket than I had of ever hooking up with the likes of her.

And then, a couple weeks after that humiliating telephone screamfest, she started dating my best friend Stuart--who, by the way, treated her like crap and frequently called her "Smelli." They've been married close to 10 years now.

But you know what? She was right and did me a huge favor by forcing me to realize the fact that, although I looked like an adult man on the outside, on the inside I was nothing more than a little boy who had yet to learn how to read a woman's emotions and body language.

So to Kelli Lenox I fondly say, "thank you for showing me the way." And to all you other ladies who have taken the time to read this little yarn, I say: Now you have the ultimate weapon in your "arsenal of words" to use the next time you get into a serious shouting match with that lucky "man" in your life!

The 10 Stupidest Things a Single Person Can Do

There's so many people doing the same stupid things over and over again, that it's about time somebody did something about it (like compile a "stupid list"), in order to help these otherwise stable individuals eventually learn how to better lead a safe and trouble-free life.

I call this a list for "single people" only because I can't speak from the perspective of a married person. However, I suspect that most of these entries apply just as appropriately to married folks.

And I'm not including seemingly obvious stuff here such as "drinking too much," "gambling too much," and "using illegal drugs," because most people who participate in those types of vices are suffering from genuine addiction, and ought to seek the help of qualified professionals who can guide them into better fulfilling their life's true purpose.

Also, this list is in no particular order:


1.) Texting While Driving
There's already been way too many innocent men, women, and children killed because of all the stupid and impatient people who simply can't wait until they get to their destination to "text someone back." C'mon, now--get a clue!

2.) "Drinking and DIALING"
If you've had more than 3 alcoholic drinks, DO NOT CALL OR TEXT any past, present, or future love interests! You'll inevitably regret it, so don't say I didn't warn you.

3.) Getting Into A Fight
Too many people don't realize that "simply" getting into a fight can lead to your being charged with Assault and/or Battery! You can wind up in jail for weeks on a first offense. And don't forget that that misdemeanor or felony charge will stay on your record for many years to come. So, if you truly feel that you can't go through life without hitting another human being, then go join a gym and legitimately train to become a boxer or wrestler.

4.) Selling Drugs
If you have sold, are selling, or plan to sell illegal drugs in the future--then I hope you drop dead RIGHT NOW. Just think for a minute of all the lives that have been completely ruined by all the pathetic losers who are guilty of committing this senseless crime against humanity.

5.) Telling Someone You Love Him/Her Before the 20th Date (or so)
There's such a thing as "puppy love," and this entry of course doesn't apply to that innocent state of youthful bliss. But for an adult to utter the words "I love you" too soon in a relationship is just about the quickest way to end that relationship.

6.) Going On A Diet
Save your money, because diets don't work. Just stop eating when you're full, and get your butt off the couch to exercise most days of the week. Not everyone is meant to be skinny--genetics have more to do with your physical shape than anything else. But if you clearly are morbidly obese, then consider undergoing gastric bypass surgery. It almost always works.

7.) Tailgating
Don't tailgate other motorists. You won't get to your destination any sooner, and if the driver in front of you decides to be a jerk and slams on his/her brakes, then guess what? When you likely crash into that vehicle, you will automatically be considered "at fault" and you can kiss your reasonable car insurance rates goodbye for a long, long time!

8.) Opening Email Attachments From Sources You Don't Know
This entry may seem obvious to most of you computer literate folks, but many online "newbies" don't realize that this is the easiest and most common way to pick up a nasty hacker-virus that could thoroughly destroy your computer.

9.) Getting Married/Having A Baby Before You're Ready
This one's obvious. Experience life and live a little before taking the lifelong step of getting married and having children. Remember, that once you have kids you can never truly "go back."

10.) Not Taking Your Credit Score Seriously
Whether you like it or not, your credit score virtually defines who you are. You cannot legitimately "live the good life" without possessing a high credit score--that's a fact. And if you're 21 years of age or older and don't know approximately what your credit score is, then shame on you. For being pretty stupid, that is.

Every Single Girl Wants a Bad Boy

Here's a provable experiment: Ask any single girl what she's looking for in a male, and 4 out of 5 times she'll answer you with these three little words:
"A nice guy."

But she would be lying to you, because a "nice guy" is pretty much the second-to-LAST type of male she's looking for. The last type being, of course, a "smelly guy."

What women really want are "bad boys." Just think about it for a minute. When was the last time you ever even heard of a nice guy hooking up with girls as if he were the last man on earth? Isn't it always the kind of rough-looking-player-who-doesn't-give-a-flying-flip-about-anyone-but-himself type who always has his pick of the ladies?

Yes it is. So guys, when it comes to the subject of "how to treat girls," forget all about what your mama taught you and QUIT BEING SO NICE TO WOMEN. THEY WON'T TRUST YOU WITH THAT APPROACH AND YOU'LL JUST WIND UP SCARING MOST OF THEM AWAY!

Of course, there are times when you absolutely must be nice to the ladies--like at work and at school, for example. Because you might end up in a heap of trouble if they complain to your boss or teacher about you. That's one of the reasons why workplace romances hardly ever work out.

But getting back to this "bad boy phenomenon." There are 3 reasons why women adore this kind of a man:

1.) They think that, through the power of their love, they can somehow change a bad boy into a gentleman.

(Unbelievably SILLY, but true. And the more Disney movies they watched as little girls, the more they're inclined to believe that this impossible task is indeed possible.)

2.) They just feel safer with a bad boy because nice guys tend to be effeminate, wimpy, and spineless.

(Which is a reason I totally agree with, because of all the lunatic predators out there who are more likely to attack a woman than a man.)

And...
3.) They find bad boys to be exciting, and nice guys to be way too freaking BORING!

("Girls just wanna have fun," right?)

But what do all of you think of these observations? Are my ideas completely wrong? I know there are exceptions to every rule, but in my experience women tend to think of nice guys pretty much the same way they do their other "girlfriends:" They're basically just a shoulder to cry on after their latest bad boy crush has once again walked all over them and broken their tender little hearts!

15 Things That Make a Woman UNDATEABLE

     
     Several nights ago, I was watching a program entitled "100 Things That Make a Man UNDATEABLE," and surprisingly, I was only guilty of violating 3 items from that list: wearing "dad jeans," wearing "double-denim," and wearing "too much cologne." 
   
     However, the show was intriguing not only because it enabled me to considerably increase my knowledge of the female mind; but because it forced me to wonder whether or not that program's trash-talkin' ladies were aware that we men also adhere to our own lists of "things that make women undateable."

     Of course, no man's "undateable list" is going to be exactly alike--for example, there's no way I can think of 100 things that would deem a woman completely undateable--but I'm confident that this short list of 15 female dating faux pas will resonate strongly in the hearts and minds of most straight, single men.

     But before I share this list, I want to make it clear that these observations are based solely on my own (many years of) dating experience--and certainly not on any type of scientific research or polling. In fact, the only "research" I did was to write down every single terrible dating experience I have ever endured (a list of about 25 items), and then whittled those items down into a "final 15." I've also organized this list in descending order, with the most forgivable "sin" listed as #15, and the least forgivable as #1.

     So, without further introduction, here is my original list of 15 Things That Make a Woman UNDATEABLE:

15.) Imposing your religious beliefs.       
     Look, I love and am in awe of God--and I'm certainly humbled by the many blessings in my life--but I sure don't believe in imposing my own religious beliefs on others. And if my date attempts to do so upon me, then she can forget about being asked out on any future dates.

14.) Wearing "granny panties."     
     Ladies, whether it's on date #1 or on date #10, we're probably going to eventually see each other's undergarments. PLEASE don't wear plain, big, thick GRANNY PANTIES if the possibility of such a viewing even remotely exists!  
   
     PLEASE stick with bikini or thong (or anything lacy and cute, really) styled undies. But seriously, just always remember: No matter how pretty a woman happens to be, almost all men are completely turned-off if she's wearing granny panties.

13.) Texting or taking personal phone calls while on a date.     
     This has got to be one of the rudest (and most common) of all dating blunders. It's OK to do if urgent business happens to come up during a date--but for the rest of you ladies: IGNORE THOSE CELL PHONES! If a man is nice enough to ask you out, spends some of his hard-earned cash on you--and then tries his hardest to be a gentleman in your presence, then doesn't he at least deserve your undivided attention? 

     On the other hand, though, if you happen to be the one paying for the date, then feel free to chat, text, and post away to your heart's delight...

12.) Wearing your hair too short.     
     I realize that the "man-cut" has become popular with some ladies these days, but consider this: How would you feel if your date, on a whim, bleached his long hair blonde and began wearing it like Britney Spears? Well, that's about how we feel whenever we see the "man-cut" on a woman. 

     I don't know of any straight man who likes it when he's dating a girl who sports this type of hairstyle. Sure, we will compliment you on it, because we realize that you put a lot of effort (and most likely spent a lot of money) on your "man cut"--but deep down NONE of us find it attractive. Google a list of the "10 most beautiful women." Are any of the ladies listed sporting a "man-cut?" NO!

11.) Having ugly feet.     
     In case you haven't noticed, men notice womens' feet. Why? I have no idea. It's just something we do. So if you choose to have those bare "dawgs" out there for the whole world to see, then they should probably be looking reasonably attractive. 

     Of course, I realize that not all ladies have the time (nor the resources) to sport toes and soles that are in 24/7 great shape; but if they happen to be in below-par condition on the night of your date, then please put on a pair of closed-toe shoes and keep those feet way out of sight.

10.) Having too many tattoos.     
     There are some men who don't mind this look, but many of us hate it. Why? Because we don't want people to think we're dating some bizarre, way off-the-grid hippie-chick. Plus, women who are covered with tattoos are just plain scary-looking. Some tats are cool, though--just please don't overdo it. 

9.) Having too many muscles.     
     I have never known a straight man who is into bodybuilder women. Who wants to date a girl who has the body of a man? Not me.

8.) Being "pleasantly plump" and trying to fit into clothing that is way too tight.     
     Many men are attracted to women who are "pleasantly plump," but have you seen some of these plus-sized ladies who try to squeeze themselves into clothing that is wayyy too tight? 

     If you haven't, then just look around any Walmart, Target, Big Lots, etc.--because these types of severe fashion disasters are going on there (and at many other places) all the time. I'm always reminded of a giant burrito whenever in the presence of the worst offenders.

7.) Being too masculine.     
     Women in the workplace are the equals of men, and should therefore act assertively whenever is necessary. But in the complex world of dating, women who are too aggressive and tend to act overtly masculine are usually overlooked when it comes to being the object of a straight man's affection. 

     And it's for the exact same reasons why virtually all females avoid dating feminine-acting men: It's just the nature of the universe.


6.) Asking for loans.     
     There are plenty of weak-minded males who are suckers for these types of obnoxious requests; but whenever a woman I've been dating asks me for a "loan," the dating abruptly ends and no loan is issued. Maybe it's a pride thing. Or maybe I'm simply cheap. But mostly it just makes me wonder why the girl is even dating me in the first place.

5.) Being the ex of a good friend or family member.     
     There's such a thing as a Gentleman's Code of Honor--in fact, I'll probably blog about it one day--and this particular item is near the top of that list. I don't care how sweet, beautiful, or even wealthy the woman is--I refuse to reduce myself to dating the ex of a good friend, or the ex of a family member. It just doesn't feel right, almost like dating a family member--YIKES!

4.) Having halitosis.     
     If a woman with whom I'm out on a date has nasty bad breath, I may finish out the evening, but there will never be another date.

3.) Having a highly noticeable cold sore.    
     Too risky. Sorry, but I don't walk on the wild side...at least not to this extent.

2.) Having B.O.

1.) Doing illegal drugs/drinking too much.          Women who partake in illegal drugs, intentionally exceed the prescribed (or recommended) dosage of legal drugs, or who consistently drink too much alcohol, are all suffering from some form of mental illness--and probably from brain damage too. 

     If this is you, then I would certainly be your friend; and, if you chose to seek professional help, do all that I can to "be there for you"--but there's no way in the world I would date you. Get yourself together first, learn to love yourself, and then you can think about making someone else happy.
     
   
     So there you have it, my own non-scientific and personal list of 15 things that make a woman undateable. And as unfair as this listing may appear, I have actually encountered each of these dreadful faux pas (some ladies were actually multiple offenders)--and each time one of them occurred, my romantic attraction to the girl in question went nearly to zilch. So, unfair or not--for me anyways, this list is absolutely 100% real.

     But what do you think--am I being too harsh here? Which items are the most unfair? Should I have left some items out? Are there items not listed that should have been included? How long would your list be?

Stalkers

It's humiliating to know that, according to the National Center for Victims of Crime, EIGHTY SEVEN percent of all stalkers are men!

Men. Can you believe that? I have a hard doing so, because stalking seems like such an effeminate thing to do. I mean, "not being able to let go" and "pining for someone you can't have" seem about as girly as strawberry lip gloss, late-night pillow fights, and choosing between Team Jacob and Team Edward.

The way I see it, these weirdo stalker-dudes just don't have the slightest clue as to what goes on inside a woman's head. So, allow me to give these non-men a quick remedial lesson on the subject of...


How a Woman Chooses a Potential Date:

1.) If an available female smiles at you and makes eye contact, she's interested--at least in some way, shape, or form. If you smile back and say "hello," while taking it kind of slowly and NEVER appearing too eager, you'll have a chance of eventually obtaining her phone number.

2.) If a female doesn't smile nor at least makes eye contact with you, move on to another girl. You have a better chance of finding a $100 dollar bill in the middle of the street than you do of hooking up with a girl who doesn't even acknowledge your existence.


But the deal with these low-life stalkers is that they're so lonely, needy, and pathetic, they'll do anything to get into a relationship. And if that line of thinking isn't adolescent and girly, then I don't know what is.

Now, it's perfectly normal for a man to give in to his girlfriend's desire to enter into a serious commitment because he very much enjoys her company (and doesn't want to lose her to some other guy), but in the normal state of the universe, it's the woman who initiates this type of long-term commitment and not the man!

In other words: LADIES, BEWARE of any "man" who appears way too eager to jump-start a relationship with you, because this type of male is exactly the type of weirdo who potentially has what it takes to one day evolve into your own personal STALKER!

And just one last word of advice to the stalkers: If you simply behave like a man, look as best you can with what you've got, and never try to force a bond between you and the girl of your dreams, then there stands a good chance that she'll at least wonder what it would be like to date you--along with many other observant ladies who respect and adore your "real man" perspective of the world. Now that's nature the way she intended it to be!

Lesbians

We straight, single men could learn a lot from lesbians. But before I get into the specifics of all that, allow me to state that I have, over the course of the past 20 or so years, FAILED to hook-up with approximately 12 potential girlfriends due to the finely-honed courtship skills of lesbians!

And that's no exaggeration: In head-to-head hooking-up competition, I have been thoroughly beaten by lesbians due to 3 distinct reasons:

The first reason is: Lesbians rarely give up on the chase. They persist until they've either:

A.) Melted the heart of the object of their affection, OR...
B.) Been angrily told to "LEAVE ME ALONE before I
file a sexual harassment lawsuit against you!" Again,
by the object of their affection...

The second reason is: Lesbians aren't nearly as concerned as straight men are about appearing "girly."

Because, after all, they're GIRLS, right? So, most don't think twice about texting/calling the damsel of their dreams, say, 75-100 times a day. Or they might even pop into their dream girl's place of employment every single freakin' day just to say "HI."

Now keep in mind that if I were to behave in a similar manner towards my current crush, I would be labeled as "too needy," "too desperate," and "way too girly!" So you see, there's absolutely no way for me to match these blatant displays of homosexual affection because, at the end of the day, just about every woman secretly loves to be showered with attention, regardless of the source!

And last but not least: How can I possibly hope to go toe-to-toe with a lesbian when it comes to knowing a woman's pleasure zones? Obviously, that would be an impossible challenge because I don't have "access to the equipment" 24 hours a dang day like a lesbian has!


Look, all I'm trying to say here is that I truly admire lesbians because they apparently know how to fulfill all of a woman's needs much better than I. But each time I lose a potential girlfriend to a lesbian, I get a little bit wiser to their skills.

I get a little bit wiser each time.

How Metrosexuals Are Ruining My Game!

Beware, Ladies! Because at first glance this relatively new breed of a man may closely resemble your long-cultivated image of a Mr. Right: He dresses well and has an overrall slick sense of style, he doesn't mind spending long hours with you shopping at the outlet mall, and he even cries right alongside you during all your favorite romantic comedies...

He's probably not gay--but he may not be entirely straight, either. He's a metrosexual, and he (along with many others like him) just so happen to be ruining my time-tested "strong and silent type" methods of attracting women.

For example: Where I may spend weeks flirting with a girl before I even consider making any type of a serious move, these guys are confessing their love for the female object of their affections within the first few minutes of their very first conversation together! And more and more women are falling for this flaky approach, and kicking the more traditional rap of a man's man out onto the nearest curb...

C'mon now, girls. Do you really want to be with a guy who spends more time in the bathroom than you do? Or who chit-chats and gossips right alongside you, just like one of your girlfriends? And do you really want a guy who calls you 37 times a day just because he wants to say "hi" or "I love you??"

Just consider the terrible experience my 30-year old friend Stacy (a gal I was pursuing using my "old school" methods) had with one of these card-carrying metrosexuals (Alex) earlier this year:


January, 2010: Stacy complains to me how Alex is more
or less stalking her and calls her dozens of
times each day...

February, 2010: On Valentine's Day, Alex confesses his
love for Stacy and showers her with balloons, candies, and long stem roses. All before they've even had a first date! It apparently worked, though, because they became "official" just a few days later...

March, 2010: Stacy begins to tell me about all the feminine characteristics Alex (now her boyfriend) is starting to display: Like crying during the Academy Awards, inputting little hearts on all his texts and emails to her, and letting her always decide where they will go on dates...

April, 2010: Stacy becomes convinced that Raymond is either bisexual or a closet homosexual and dumps him. He of course sobs like a baby and threatens to kill himself. Don't worry, though. She called the authorities and he eventually got over it.


But what fully bummed me out about this entire ordeal (from Valentine's Day until the first week in April) was that Alex, despite his pathetic game, was participating in all those wonderful activities in which boyfriends participate with their girlfriends. And all I have to show for this time period are the memories of countless late night phone calls from Stacy regarding all her relationship problems!

So that's my rant. Are women these days so impatient that they don't have time to participate in the traditional art of flirtation? Is being completely in touch with our feminine sides really how we men are expected to behave in order to attract single females?

What's a real man to do in this peculiar, gender-swapping Era of the Metrosexual Male?