Friday, March 19, 2010

The Four Stages of Manhood

Hey ladies, ask yourselves one question the next time your man throws a jealous fit: "Is this guy a real man or what?" Because that's the exact same question I recently had to ask an ex-girlfriend about her latest boyfriend.

"No Dave, we can't go to your New Year's Eve party. My boyfriend gets very jealous in situations like that," she said.

"Situations like what?" I asked.

"Well, you know, because you're my ex-boyfriend and all. He just wouldn't be able to deal with the whole situation," she explained.

"I don't understand. Is your boyfriend a real man or what?"

What an insecure pansy that guy must be. I mean, do you think real men like Brad Pitt, Denzel Washington, Johnny Depp, and Antonio Banderas get jealous when their ladies talk about or even hang out with other guys? Even if one of two of those other guys just so happen to be "ex's?"

No, they don't. Because when a man is totally secure with himself, there's absolutely no reason for him to be jealous of anyone or anything. But if you're still not sure whether or not the male in your life is indeed a man, consider my Four Stages of Manhood:

Stage 1, BABY (age 0-4):
Eats, sleeps, cries, and poops. And that's about it.

Stage 2, BOY (age 5-14):
Realizes he's different from girls, but often acts feminine and still cries an awful lot. Feelings are easily hurt. Doesn't have a clue how to attract girls once he begins to notice them (at around age 12 or so), unless he's been coached by his dad or an older brother.

Stage 3, GUY (age 15-?):
If he's not ugly, dresses decent, and doesn't act too stupid, girls will notice him. Gets too attached to his crushes, though. Is prone to crying if the girl he likes doesn't "like him back." Is needy. Still acts feminine and becomes jealous rather easily. Has anger-management issues, but backs down whenever seriously confronted (usually by a real man). Plenty of ladies are attracted to this type of male early on (because he's easy to "train," seems "exciting," and is at an age when many males are at their "cutest"), but they eventually grow tired of his weak ways. Sadly, many guys never advance beyond this stage...

Stage 4, MAN (as early as age 21, and as late as NEVER):
Finally understands that he is a great catch for many, many women and therefore acts accordingly. This is the so-called Alpha-Male and is sometimes described as being the "strong, modest, and silent type." Women are attracted to him mostly because he's not needy like all the guys & boys they've dated in the past. He never gets jealous, because he is silently and acutely aware of just how much he brings to the table in a relationship. Never cries and never lies to his girl. Is there for his lady, and keeps all his promises too. If it ever came down to it, he'd even take a bullet for the girl he loves--without even blinking an eye.

So ladies, I ask you to once again consider the male in your life and ask yourselves one question: "Is this guy a real man, or what?"

Friday, March 12, 2010

How To Lose A Girl In 9 Seconds

I used to wonder why so many guys contact me for “girl advice.” After all, here I am in my early 40’s, never married and never a daddy. I mean, shouldn’t the experiences of a married man with children be infinitely more useful to these love-torn, advice-seeking men than any words I might have to offer them?

Apparently not. It dawned on me that they were picking my brain precisely because I’ve never married, and because I’ve been dumped so many times, and because I’ve never had children.

To break it down further: had I married at age 20, I would currently be able to talk about my dating experiences with 5 different women (I dated 4 girls when I was aged 16-20). But now, because I’ve never been married, I can freely share my experiences of dating over 100 different girls over the past 25 years! I know that sounds like an awful lot of ladies, but it works out to only about 4 different gals per year…

So, whenever these friends and aquaintances contact me for some basic girl advice, I try to explain that most women have similar needs and wants, and that men will be successful in their pursuit of them if they just remember to not do 9 things. Because doing any of these 9 things will cause a girl to bid you sayonara in about 9 seconds or less! Well, maybe not right there in front of you, but certainly in her heart, soul, and mind.

And let me also mention that this list is intended only for us average looking guys. If you look like Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp, Robert Pattinson and guys like that, then you can basically get away with just showing up for the date and still get yourself fawned over. Dang pretty boys!

Mistake #1: Don’t ask if she has a boyfriend.
Especially in the beginning, because right away it lets her know that you like her and want to go out with her, and may already want to be her boyfriend! Girls thrive on men who are both a mystery and a “challenge,” so by flat-out asking her this question you’ve ceased to be both. And by asking her this question you’ve already given her all the power, even before the first date–which I doubt will ever even occur by using this approach.

Mistake #2: Don’t act too nice.
Which kind of girl do you prefer: One who acts sweet or one who acts tough? Dumb question, right? You like the sweet-acting girl because she acts feminine. So, why do so many GUYS act feminine when encountering the girl of their dreams? Very few women are attracted to feminine-acting men! Act like a man, for heaven’s sake — that is, if you ever plan on becoming more than the dreaded “just friends” with her.

Mistake #3: Don’t be “friends first.”
This is a ploy that lots of guys use and it is a HUGE waste of time. Once in a great while (mostly in romance novels) friends become lovers. Well, guess what? You probably have a better chance of being struck by lighting than you do of this phenomenon ever happening to you. Once a girl sees you as being just like another one of her girlfriends, it’s pretty much impossible for her to imagine you as ever becoming her knight in shining armor. Get the picture? Good.

Mistake #4: Never ogle her body with your eyes.
This seems like obvious advice, but you’d be surprised at how many guys carry on a conversation with a girl they like and spend more time looking at her body than into her eyes! When you behave in this manner, a first date is pretty much out of the question. Think like a girl for a minute: Especially if she doesn’t know you all that well, she may consider the dreadful possibility of your trying to rape her on a first date!

Mistake #5: Don’t talk too much.
Being chatty and overly-expressive of your feelings is acceptable with friends, family, and some co-workers; but when it comes to dating, most women prefer the “strong and silent type.”

Mistake #6: Don’t ASK a girl for a date.
When you ask a girl on a date, it just sets you up for failure. Most women are pre-wired to resist in the same way that most men are pre-wired to pursue. So, replace “Would you like to?,” and ”Do you wanna?,” with “Let’s” and “We should.” This takes a load of pressure off her and also shows her that you’re a take-charge kind of guy.

Mistake #7: Don’t make a move on the first date.
Remember, women like mystery and a challenge, so by making a move on the first date you’ve ruined both those ideals for her. Plus, on a first date you should be getting to know each other in a light-hearted atmosphere (lunch, coffee, a walk in the park, etc.). When in doubt, simply remember to always be a gentleman on that first date!

Mistake #8: Don’t stare at other girls or take phone calls when out with her.
I feel silly for even having to even mention these faux pas, but many women will tell you just how common this type of behavior really is!

Mistake #9: Don’t tell her you love her until you’re practically ENGAGED!
So many things have to happen in just the right order for a meaningful relationship to develop between a man and a woman. And telling the girl of your dreams “I love you” is just about LAST on that list. You see, woman know that men are capable of uttering these three little words without actually meaning what they say–so when you finally do say them, she’ll have known it in her heart for many months, simply by your actions leading up to the confession.

Pursuing the “Girl of your Dreams” is hard work, but by focusing on what not to do, you’ll have a much better chance of ultimately earning her affections. I can pretty much assure you that, unless the girl in question already likes you, violating any of these 9 mistakes will ruin any chance you have of ever becoming her man.

And also, make sure the object of your affections is actually worthy of all your efforts, because it takes A LOT of time and energy to go after a girl you like. I have to admit that I’m pretty tired of the whole game. So from now on, I think I’ll only date girls who I know are interested in me. How can I tell when a girl likes me? It’s EASY, for crying out loud–but I’ll save that information for a future post…