Tuesday, September 28, 2010

You're Not a Man!

The next time you ladies get into a down-and-out shouting match with the man in your life, the chances are very good that every word you say, no matter how hurtful you intend it to be, will go in one of his ears and then leave swiftly out the other.

But allow me to let you in on a little secret: There's one very simple sentence you can state (or scream at the top of your lungs, if you're so inclined) that is guaranteed to silence him--and possibly even cause irreversible damage to his spirit, soul, and psyche. So please never utter these four words unless you're 100 percent ready and able to possibly make do without him for the rest of your life:


And yes, I admit it: I've had that phrase said to me. Once, back in the 90's...and I'm still not completely over it.

Her name was Kelli Lenox, a cute 19-year-old brunette with long straight hair and a delightful smile. I was a reasonably handsome 26-year-old "up-and-comer" who should have been able to lure that youthful and slightly naive girlie towards me without much of a problem, right?


We got along well and had lots of meaningful conversations; but like so many immature guys, I tried to force a relationship with her. And, of course, that approach never works--and everything just went downhill from there:

-- I became insanely jealous whenever I saw her talking with other guys,
-- I called her way too often, and...
-- I was simply trying too hard overall, a huge turn-off for females of all ages.

So, one day while I was behaving like a complete wuss towards her over the phone, Kelli finally got fed up with my weak ways and roared those four wicked words at me, making it crystal-clear that I had a better chance of striking it rich with my crumpled-up California Lotto ticket than I had of ever hooking up with the likes of her.

And then, a couple weeks after that humiliating telephone screamfest, she started dating my best friend Stuart--who, by the way, treated her like crap and frequently called her "Smelli." They've been married close to 10 years now.

But you know what? She was right and did me a huge favor by forcing me to realize the fact that, although I looked like an adult man on the outside, on the inside I was nothing more than a little boy who had yet to learn how to read a woman's emotions and body language.

So to Kelli Lenox I fondly say, "thank you for showing me the way." And to all you other ladies who have taken the time to read this little yarn, I say: Now you have the ultimate weapon in your "arsenal of words" to use the next time you get into a serious shouting match with that lucky "man" in your life!

Saturday, September 4, 2010

The 10 Stupidest Things a Single Person Can Do

There's so many people doing the same stupid things over and over again, that it's about time somebody did something about it (like compile a "stupid list"), in order to help these otherwise stable individuals eventually learn how to better lead a safe and trouble-free life.

I call this a list for "single people" only because I can't speak from the perspective of a married person. However, I suspect that most of these entries apply just as appropriately to married folks.

And I'm not including seemingly obvious stuff here such as "drinking too much," "gambling too much," and "using illegal drugs," because most people who participate in those types of vices are suffering from genuine addiction, and ought to seek the help of qualified professionals who can guide them into better fulfilling their life's true purpose.

Also, this list is in no particular order:

1.) Texting While Driving
There's already been way too many innocent men, women, and children killed because of all the stupid and impatient people who simply can't wait until they get to their destination to "text someone back." C'mon, now--get a clue!

2.) "Drinking and DIALING"
If you've had more than 3 alcoholic drinks, DO NOT CALL OR TEXT any past, present, or future love interests! You'll inevitably regret it, so don't say I didn't warn you.

3.) Getting Into A Fight
Too many people don't realize that "simply" getting into a fight can lead to your being charged with Assault and/or Battery! You can wind up in jail for weeks on a first offense. And don't forget that that misdemeanor or felony charge will stay on your record for many years to come. So, if you truly feel that you can't go through life without hitting another human being, then go join a gym and legitimately train to become a boxer or wrestler.

4.) Selling Drugs
If you have sold, are selling, or plan to sell illegal drugs in the future--then I hope you drop dead RIGHT NOW. Just think for a minute of all the lives that have been completely ruined by all the pathetic losers who are guilty of committing this senseless crime against humanity.

5.) Telling Someone You Love Him/Her Before the 20th Date (or so)
There's such a thing as "puppy love," and this entry of course doesn't apply to that innocent state of youthful bliss. But for an adult to utter the words "I love you" too soon in a relationship is just about the quickest way to end that relationship.

6.) Going On A Diet
Save your money, because diets don't work. Just stop eating when you're full, and get your butt off the couch to exercise most days of the week. Not everyone is meant to be skinny--genetics have more to do with your physical shape than anything else. But if you clearly are morbidly obese, then consider undergoing gastric bypass surgery. It almost always works.

7.) Tailgating
Don't tailgate other motorists. You won't get to your destination any sooner, and if the driver in front of you decides to be a jerk and slams on his/her brakes, then guess what? When you likely crash into that vehicle, you will automatically be considered "at fault" and you can kiss your reasonable car insurance rates goodbye for a long, long time!

8.) Opening Email Attachments From Sources You Don't Know
This entry may seem obvious to most of you computer literate folks, but many online "newbies" don't realize that this is the easiest and most common way to pick up a nasty hacker-virus that could thoroughly destroy your computer.

9.) Getting Married/Having A Baby Before You're Ready
This one's obvious. Experience life and live a little before taking the lifelong step of getting married and having children. Remember, that once you have kids you can never truly "go back."

10.) Not Taking Your Credit Score Seriously
Whether you like it or not, your credit score virtually defines who you are. You cannot legitimately "live the good life" without possessing a high credit score--that's a fact. And if you're 21 years of age or older and don't know approximately what your credit score is, then shame on you. For being pretty stupid, that is.