Wednesday, May 6, 2015

The Five Most Hurtful Things (That Women Have Ever Said To Me)

When guys "slam" each other, it's to be expected. Par for the course. It's just something that bros do from time to time. Kind of like airing out the dirty laundry. But when women verbally attack us, the wounds left behind can be particularly deep and painful..

As a high school kid, my mother once observed me frantically and repeatedly changing clothes, in preparation for an amusement park outing with friends:

1.) " change your clothes more often than a LITTLE GIRL!"

My first "official" girlfriend (Kristi Varni) absolutely adored me; but in time, she grew weary of my then often cynical, sarcastic, and complaining ways:

2.) "Next week's your birthday, right, Dave? Well, I'm going to pick you up a cute little skirt as a present. You don't deserve to wear BIG BOY PANTS until you learn to STOP WHINING SO MUCH!"

As a young adult, I became a supervisor for a large corporation. It's safe to say that, during those times, I consistently put myself first and my crew, well...last.

GENERAL MANAGER: "Linda, you've been working for Dave for a few weeks now. How is he doing? What do you think of Dave?

3.) "I DON'T think about Dave!"

Still in my 20's, I developed a huge crush on a young woman named Kelli. I phoned her one afternoon, but upon hearing her voice, I promptly hung up (without saying anything)--tongue-tied and embarrassed. Thanks to "Star 69"--a 1990's version of Caller ID--Kelli knew it was me who called, and immediately called me back:

4.) "I know you like me, Dave! Why don't you just admit it already!? Hello? Hello?? I can't believe you...what's wrong with you......UGHHH........YOU'RE NOT A MAN!" 

A pretty outside sales representative and I were not particularly seeing eye-to-eye on anything. She finally just let it all hang out, right there in front of all my co-workers:

5.) I CAN TELL YOU'RE GAY because of how much you love to CHIT-CHAT with all the other girl workers around here!