Tuesday, July 6, 2010

15 Things That Make a Woman UNDATEABLE

Several nights ago, I was watching a VH-1 program called "100 Things That Make a Man UNDATEABLE," and surprisingly, I was only guilty of violating 3 items from that list: wearing "dad jeans," wearing "double-denim," and wearing "too much cologne." However, the show was intriguing not only because it enabled me to considerably increase my knowledge of the female mind, but because it forced me to wonder whether or not those trash-talkin' ladies on the TV screen were aware that we men also adhere to our own lists of "things that make women undateable."

Of course, no man's "undateable list" is going to be exactly alike--for example, there's no way I can think of 100 things that would deem a girl completely undateable--but I'm confident that this short list of 15 female dating faux pas will resonate strongly in the hearts and minds of most straight, single men.

But before I share this list, I want to make it clear that these observations are based solely on my own 20+ years of dating experience ("puppy loves" don't count)--and certainly not on any type of scientific research or polling. In fact, the only "research" I did was to write down every single terrible dating experience I have ever endured (a list of about 25 items), and then I wittled those items down into a "final 15." I have also organized this list in descending order, with the most forgivable "sin" listed as #15, and the least forgivable as #1.

So, without further introduction, here is my original list of 15 Things That Make a Woman UNDATEABLE:

15.) Imposing your religious beliefs.
Look, I love and am in awe of God--and I'm certainly humbled by the many blessings in my life--but I sure don't believe in imposing my own religious beliefs on others. And if my date attempts to do so upon me, then she can forget about being asked out on any future dates.

14.) Wearing "granny panties."
Ladies, here's something you may not know about men: WE CAN SEE WHAT TYPE OF UNDIES YOU'RE WEARING! How? Because we all look. Seriously, we do. And unless you're wearing a loose-fitting dress or a pair of jeans, there's no way around this phenomenon. So, PLEASE stick with bikini or thong styled panties. And the cuter the design, the better (don't worry, though--we usually can't make out their design when worn underneath clothing). Just always remember: no matter how pretty a girl happens to be, almost all men are completely turned-off if she happens to be wearing granny panties.

13.) Texting or taking personal phone calls while on a date.
This has got to be one of the rudest (and most common) of all dating blunders. It's cool to do if you're a supervisor of some sort and urgent business happens to come up during a date, but for the rest of you ladies: TURN THOSE CELL PHONES OFF! If a guy is nice enough to ask you out, spend some of his hard-earned cash on you. and then tries his hardest to be a gentleman in your presence, then doesn't he at least deserve your undivided attention? On the other hand, though, if you happen to be the one paying for the date, then feel free to chat and text away to your heart's delight...

12.) Wearing your hair too short.
I realize that the "man-cut" has become very, very popular with some ladies these days, but consider this: how would you feel if your date, on a whim, bleached his long hair blonde and began wearing it like Jessica Simpson? Well, that's about how we feel whenever we see the "man-cut" on a woman. I don't know of any straight man who likes it when he's dating a girl who sports this type of 'do. Sure, we will compliment you on it, because we realize that you put a lot of effort (and most likely spent a lot of money) on your "man cut," but deep down NONE of us find it attractive. Open up a Playboy, a Maxim, or even a Cosmo or Allure. Are any of the ladies in those magazines sporting a "man-cut?" NO!

11.) Having ugly feet.
In case you haven't noticed, guys check out girls' feet. Why? I have no idea. It's just something we do. So if you choose to have those bare tootsies out there for the whole world to see, then they'd better be looking reasonably cute. Of course, I realize that not all ladies have the time nor the resources to sport toes and soles that are in 24/7 great shape; but if they happen to be in below-par condition on the night of your date, then please put on a pair of closed-toe shoes and keep those feet way out of sight.

10.) Having too many tattoos.
There are some men who don't mind this look, but 90% of us hate it. Why? Because we don't want people to think we're dating a snake charmer or some bizarre, offbeat hippie-chick. Plus, women who are covered with tattoos are just plain scary-looking. Some tats are cool, though--just please don't overdo it. I happen to adore those that appear on the lowest part of a woman's back.

9.) Having too many muscles.
I have never known a straight dude who is into bodybuilder chicks. Who wants to date a girl who has the body of a man? Not me.

8.) Being "pleasantly plump" and trying to fit into clothing that is way too tight.
I am attracted to many females who are "pleasantly plump," but have you seen some of these plus-sized ladies who try to squeeze themselves into clothing that is wayyy too tight? If you haven't, then just look around any Walmart, Target, or Kmart--because these types of severe fashion disasters are going on there (and many other places) all the time. I'm always reminded of a giant burrito whenever in the presence of the worst of these offenders.

7.) Being too masculine.
Women in the workplace are the equals of men, and should therefore act assertively whenever is necessary. But in the complex world of dating, women who are too aggressive and tend to act overtly masculine are usually overlooked when it comes to being the object of a straight man's affection. And it's for the exact same reason why virtually all females avoid dating feminine-acting men: It's just the nature of the universe.

6.) Asking for loans.
There are plenty of weak-minded males who are suckers for these types of obnoxious requests, but whenever a girl I've been dating asks me for a "loan," the dating abruptly ends and no loan is issued. Maybe it's a pride thing. Or maybe I'm simply cheap. But mostly it just makes me wonder why the girl is even dating me in the first place.

5.) Being the ex- of a good friend or family member.
There's such a thing as a Gentleman's Code of Honor--in fact, I'll probably blog about it one day--and this particular item is near the top of that list. I don't care how sweet, beautiful, or even wealthy the girl is, I refuse to reduce myself to dating the ex- of a good friend or the ex- of a family member. It just doesn't feel right, almost like dating a family member--YIKES!

4.) Having halitosis.
If a woman with whom I'm out on a date has nasty bad breath, I may finish out the evening, but there will never be another date.

3.) Having a cold sore.
Too risky. Sorry, but I don't walk on the wild side...at least not to that extent.

2.) Having B.O.

1.) Doing illegal drugs/drinking too much.
Women who partake in illegal drugs, intentionally exceed the prescribed (or recommended) dosage of legal drugs, or who consistently drink too much alcohol, are all suffering from some form of mental illness and probably from brain damage too. If this is you, then I would certainly be your friend; and, if you chose to seek professional help, do all that I can to "be there for you"--but there's no way in the world I would date you. Get yourself together first, learn to love yourself, and then you can think about making someone else happy.

So there you have it, my own non-scientific and personal list of 15 things that make a woman undateable. And as unfair as this listing may appear to be, I have actually encountered each of these dreadful faux pas (some ladies were actually multiple offenders)--and each time one of them occurred, my romantic attraction to the girl in question went straight to zilch. So, unfair or not, for me anyways, this list is absolutely 100% real.

But what do you think--am I being too harsh here? Which items are the most unfair? Should I have left some items out? Are there items not listed that should have been included? How long would your list be?

Thursday, July 1, 2010


It's humiliating to know that, according to the National Center for Victims of Crime, EIGHTY SEVEN percent of all stalkers are men!

Men. Can you believe that? I have a hard doing so, because stalking seems like such an effeminate thing to do. I mean, "not being able to let go" and "pining for someone you can't have" seem about as girly as strawberry lip gloss, late-night pillow fights, and choosing between Team Jacob and Team Edward.

The way I see it, these weirdo stalker-dudes just don't have the slightest clue as to what goes on inside a woman's head. So, allow me to give these non-men a quick remedial lesson on the subject of...

How a Woman Chooses a Potential Date:

1.) If an available female smiles at you and makes eye contact, she's interested--at least in some way, shape, or form. If you smile back and say "hello," while taking it kind of slowly and NEVER appearing too eager, you'll have a chance of eventually obtaining her phone number.

2.) If a female doesn't smile nor at least makes eye contact with you, move on to another girl. You have a better chance of finding a $100 dollar bill in the middle of the street than you do of hooking up with a girl who doesn't even acknowledge your existence.

But the deal with these low-life stalkers is that they're so lonely, needy, and pathetic, they'll do anything to get into a relationship. And if that line of thinking isn't adolescent and girly, then I don't know what is.

Now, it's perfectly normal for a man to give in to his girlfriend's desire to enter into a serious commitment because he very much enjoys her company (and doesn't want to lose her to some other guy), but in the normal state of the universe, it's the woman who initiates this type of long-term commitment and not the man!

In other words: LADIES, BEWARE of any "man" who appears way too eager to jump-start a relationship with you, because this type of male is exactly the type of weirdo who potentially has what it takes to one day evolve into your own personal STALKER!

And just one last word of advice to the stalkers: If you simply behave like a man, look as best you can with what you've got, and never try to force a bond between you and the girl of your dreams, then there stands a good chance that she'll at least wonder what it would be like to date you--along with many other observant ladies who respect and adore your "real man" perspective of the world. Now that's nature the way she intended it to be!