Tuesday, September 28, 2010

You're Not a Man!

The next time you ladies get into a down-and-out shouting match with the man in your life, the chances are very good that every word you say, no matter how hurtful you intend it to be, will go in one of his ears and then leave swiftly out the other.

But allow me to let you in on a little secret: There's one very simple sentence you can state (or scream at the top of your lungs, if you're so inclined) that is guaranteed to silence him--and possibly even cause irreversible damage to his spirit, soul, and psyche. So please never utter these four words unless you're 100 percent ready and able to possibly make do without him for the rest of your life:


And yes, I admit it: I've had that phrase said to me. Once, back in the 90's...and I'm still not completely over it.

Her name was Kelli Lenox, a cute 19-year-old brunette with long straight hair and a delightful smile. I was a reasonably handsome 26-year-old "up-and-comer" who should have been able to lure that youthful and slightly naive girlie towards me without much of a problem, right?


We got along well and had lots of meaningful conversations; but like so many immature guys, I tried to force a relationship with her. And, of course, that approach never works--and everything just went downhill from there:

-- I became insanely jealous whenever I saw her talking with other guys,
-- I called her way too often, and...
-- I was simply trying too hard overall, a huge turn-off for females of all ages.

So, one day while I was behaving like a complete wuss towards her over the phone, Kelli finally got fed up with my weak ways and roared those four wicked words at me, making it crystal-clear that I had a better chance of striking it rich with my crumpled-up California Lotto ticket than I had of ever hooking up with the likes of her.

And then, a couple weeks after that humiliating telephone screamfest, she started dating my best friend Stuart--who, by the way, treated her like crap and frequently called her "Smelli." They've been married close to 10 years now.

But you know what? She was right and did me a huge favor by forcing me to realize the fact that, although I looked like an adult man on the outside, on the inside I was nothing more than a little boy who had yet to learn how to read a woman's emotions and body language.

So to Kelli Lenox I fondly say, "thank you for showing me the way." And to all you other ladies who have taken the time to read this little yarn, I say: Now you have the ultimate weapon in your "arsenal of words" to use the next time you get into a serious shouting match with that lucky "man" in your life!

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