5 Things Mom Was WRONG About

Mom and I were close, particularly after 2001 when we simultaneously moved from California's Bay Area down to the American Southwest: She to her home state of Arizona, and I to Nevada. We then made a sort of pact which promised that she would visit me once a year, and I would visit her once a year. Those twice per year journeys were consistently and happily traversed--right up until she died, near the end of that decade.

She was a wise woman who was deeply in touch with her spiritual side. A devout, lifelong Catholic who never drank an ounce of alcohol, never smoked a cigarette, nor who ever even used a swear word. As such, some of the best advice I've yet received, e.g. "Always go with your first instinct," "Avoid gambling, drugs, and alcohol," and "Embrace diversity" were lessons learned straight from mom's mouth.

But nobody's perfect, and there were times (five of which I can recall) when she was undeniably wrong:

1.) "If you want a girl to like you, then be 'extra-nice' to her." As a boy and young man, this terrible advice proved the most sabotaging to my inner-player who was at that time desperate to be released from my geeky, nice-guy (actual) self. Based on her making this ridiculous suggestion (and upon some of her other actions), I believe mom did everything in her power to stifle my well-thought-out plans to earn the affections of my many young crushes. I'm guessing she had no interest in becoming a grandma at a (somewhat) young age. And although she tolerated the nerdy marching band girls who occasionally came over, she'd throw an absolute fit each time the hot (and usually provocatively dressed) neighborhood blonde chick ("Crystalyn") showed up around the house.

But back to that "be extra-nice" advice: Why else would mom have encouraged this particularly weak type of behavior unless she wanted me to fail with women? Nice just doesn't work! Women are confused and skeptical whenever a "nice guy" enters their aura: 

"Why is he being so nice?" "Is he gay??" "He must want something." "Maybe he's a psychopath!"

Each year, People rewards and recognizes the Sexiest Man Alive...never the Nicest.

But the absolute end game to this entire nice guy routine arrives when the girl you're trying to date declares you to be "too sweet." When those apocalyptic words leave her lips, it's safe to say that you have a better chance of winning the state Lottery than you have of ever becoming romantically involved with the likes of her.

2.) "Decide on things together (when on a date or in a relationship)." I've honestly never made plans with a woman who didn't expect me to call at least 90% of the shots. I'd actually prefer a more democratic method of making plans, but the girls I've dated would have thought I was crazy had I meekly asked them, "so....what do you feel like doing tonight?" or "would you prefer to see a movie, go on a hike, go to the beach, or just stay home and work on our singing?" or (even worse) "what kind of food do you feel like for tonight?"

Single women expect at least some leadership from men. And, even beyond that: Just about every woman I've ever dated has expected me to have worked out 100% of the date details. That's not to say I don't appreciate my date's input, because I do. It's just that most women appear to be more comfortable with allowing the man to decide.

If a guy were to ask the girl he's dating what she wanted to do each and every time they went out, he'd drive her crazy. Believe me, I know: I behaved in exactly that manner during my early relationship days (due to having followed this wretched advice), and was bluntly told (by more than one girlfriend) to "start wearing your big boy pants," "stop being a 'mama's boy,'" and to "grow a pair."

3.) "Work Hard." If I could go back in time and change just one thing, it'd be to not work (anywhere near) as hard as I did during my young adult years. I unnecessarily expended a tremendous amount of precious life energy, and I very much regret it..

But back when mom was growing up, "working hard" was great advice: you started "at the bottom" with a big company, gradually "moved up the ladder," and--as long as you worked hard and remained loyal to them--they would in turn never fire you, consistently increase your pay, provide you with excellent benefits, and even make large contributions to your retirement pension. Back then, most full-time jobs in America were sufficient to raise a family, own a home, a car, and raise several children--and spouses were typically able to stay at home with the kids!

Those days are of course long, long gone. Companies are now loyal only to themselves, and employee loyalty is too a thing of the distant past. It's, sadly, a dog-eat-dog world out there, and it's every person for him or herself. 

Working hard will still enable someone to quickly climb the corporate ladder, but the full-on efforts given are rarely worth the hard fought for rewards reaped. Burning out looms largely on the horizon, and when you're constantly performing at a very high level--well then, the only way to proceed from there is down, right? 

"Work smart" is what mom should have advised! 

4.) "Pick one thing and stick with it" makes no sense at all. Sure, if I had stuck with my high school and college trumpet lessons up until the present day, I'd likely be a virtuoso, highly respected, and well-paid classical musician. But at the expense of what...never having discovered my singing voice? Never having developed my writing talent? Never having ventured into the world of business? Never having discovered bicycling, hiking, volunteering, or public speaking?  Life would be considerably more boring had I listened to mom about this! 

5.) "Cold weather (and rain) will make you sick" is obviously erroneous advice. What in the world was mom thinking when she gave it?!

The Five Most Hurtful Things (That Women Have Ever Said To Me)

When guys "slam" each other, it's to be expected. Par for the course. It's just something that bros do from time to time. Kind of like airing out the dirty laundry. But when women verbally attack us, the wounds left behind can be particularly deep and painful..


As a high school kid, my mother once observed me frantically and repeatedly changing clothes, in preparation for an amusement park outing with friends:

1.) "DAVID....you change your clothes more often than a LITTLE GIRL!"


My first "official" girlfriend (Kristi Varni) absolutely adored me; but in time, she grew weary of my then often cynical, sarcastic, and complaining ways:

2.) "Next week's your birthday, right, Dave? Well, I'm going to pick you up a cute little skirt as a present. You don't deserve to wear BIG BOY PANTS until you learn to STOP WHINING SO MUCH!"


As a young adult, I became a supervisor for a large corporation. It's safe to say that, during those times, I consistently put myself first and my crew, well...last.

GENERAL MANAGER: "Linda, you've been working for Dave for a few weeks now. How is he doing? What do you think of Dave?

3.) "I DON'T think about Dave!"


Still in my 20's, I developed a huge crush on a young woman named Kelli. I phoned her one afternoon, but upon hearing her voice, I promptly hung up (without saying anything)--tongue-tied and embarrassed. Thanks to "Star 69"--a 1990's version of Caller ID--Kelli knew it was me who called, and immediately called me back:

4.) "I know you like me, Dave! Why don't you just admit it already!? Hello? Hello?? I can't believe you...what's wrong with you......UGHHH........YOU'RE NOT A MAN!" 


A pretty outside sales representative and I were not particularly seeing eye-to-eye on anything. She finally just let it all hang out, right there in front of all my co-workers:

5.) I CAN TELL YOU'RE GAY because of how much you love to CHIT-CHAT with all the other girl workers around here!

15 Things That Make a Woman UNDATEABLE

     
     Several nights ago, I was watching a program entitled "100 Things That Make a Man UNDATEABLE," and surprisingly, I was only guilty of violating 3 items from that list: wearing "dad jeans," wearing "double-denim," and wearing "too much cologne." 
   
     However, the show was intriguing not only because it enabled me to considerably increase my knowledge of the female mind; but because it forced me to wonder whether or not that program's trash-talkin' ladies were aware that we men also adhere to our own lists of "things that make women undateable."

     Of course, no man's "undateable list" is going to be exactly alike--for example, there's no way I can think of 100 things that would deem a woman completely undateable--but I'm confident that this short list of 15 female dating faux pas will resonate strongly in the hearts and minds of most straight, single men.

     But before I share this list, I want to make it clear that these observations are based solely on my own (many years of) dating experience--and certainly not on any type of scientific research or polling. In fact, the only "research" I did was to write down every single terrible dating experience I have ever endured (a list of about 25 items), and then whittled those items down into a "final 15." I've also organized this list in descending order, with the most forgivable "sin" listed as #15, and the least forgivable as #1.

     So, without further introduction, here is my original list of 15 Things That Make a Woman UNDATEABLE:

15.) Imposing your religious beliefs.       
     Look, I love and am in awe of God--and I'm certainly humbled by the many blessings in my life--but I sure don't believe in imposing my own religious beliefs on others. And if my date attempts to do so upon me, then she can forget about being asked out on any future dates.

14.) Wearing "granny panties."     
     Ladies, whether it's on date #1 or on date #10, we're probably going to eventually see each other's undergarments. PLEASE don't wear plain, big, thick GRANNY PANTIES if the possibility of such a viewing even remotely exists!  
   
     PLEASE stick with bikini or thong (or anything lacy and cute, really) styled undies. But seriously, just always remember: No matter how pretty a woman happens to be, almost all men are completely turned-off if she's wearing granny panties.

13.) Texting or taking personal phone calls while on a date.     
     This has got to be one of the rudest (and most common) of all dating blunders. It's OK to do if urgent business happens to come up during a date--but for the rest of you ladies: IGNORE THOSE CELL PHONES! If a man is nice enough to ask you out, spends some of his hard-earned cash on you--and then tries his hardest to be a gentleman in your presence, then doesn't he at least deserve your undivided attention? 

     On the other hand, though, if you happen to be the one paying for the date, then feel free to chat, text, and post away to your heart's delight...

12.) Wearing your hair too short.     
     I realize that the "man-cut" has become popular with some ladies these days, but consider this: How would you feel if your date, on a whim, bleached his long hair blonde and began wearing it like Britney Spears? Well, that's about how we feel whenever we see the "man-cut" on a woman. 

     I don't know of any straight man who likes it when he's dating a girl who sports this type of hairstyle. Sure, we will compliment you on it, because we realize that you put a lot of effort (and most likely spent a lot of money) on your "man cut"--but deep down NONE of us find it attractive. Google a list of the "10 most beautiful women." Are any of the ladies listed sporting a "man-cut?" NO!

11.) Having ugly feet.     
     In case you haven't noticed, men notice womens' feet. Why? I have no idea. It's just something we do. So if you choose to have those bare "dawgs" out there for the whole world to see, then they should probably be looking reasonably attractive. 

     Of course, I realize that not all ladies have the time (nor the resources) to sport toes and soles that are in 24/7 great shape; but if they happen to be in below-par condition on the night of your date, then please put on a pair of closed-toe shoes and keep those feet way out of sight.

10.) Having too many tattoos.     
     There are some men who don't mind this look, but many of us hate it. Why? Because we don't want people to think we're dating some bizarre, way off-the-grid hippie-chick. Plus, women who are covered with tattoos are just plain scary-looking. Some tats are cool, though--just please don't overdo it. 

9.) Having too many muscles.     
     I have never known a straight man who is into bodybuilder women. Who wants to date a girl who has the body of a man? Not me.

8.) Being "pleasantly plump" and trying to fit into clothing that is way too tight.     
     Many men are attracted to women who are "pleasantly plump," but have you seen some of these plus-sized ladies who try to squeeze themselves into clothing that is wayyy too tight? 

     If you haven't, then just look around any Walmart, Target, Big Lots, etc.--because these types of severe fashion disasters are going on there (and at many other places) all the time. I'm always reminded of a giant burrito whenever in the presence of the worst offenders.

7.) Being too masculine.     
     Women in the workplace are the equals of men, and should therefore act assertively whenever is necessary. But in the complex world of dating, women who are too aggressive and tend to act overtly masculine are usually overlooked when it comes to being the object of a straight man's affection. 

     And it's for the exact same reasons why virtually all females avoid dating feminine-acting men: It's just the nature of the universe.


6.) Asking for loans.     
     There are plenty of weak-minded males who are suckers for these types of obnoxious requests; but whenever a woman I've been dating asks me for a "loan," the dating abruptly ends and no loan is issued. Maybe it's a pride thing. Or maybe I'm simply cheap. But mostly it just makes me wonder why the girl is even dating me in the first place.

5.) Being the ex of a good friend or family member.     
     There's such a thing as a Gentleman's Code of Honor--in fact, I'll probably blog about it one day--and this particular item is near the top of that list. I don't care how sweet, beautiful, or even wealthy the woman is--I refuse to reduce myself to dating the ex of a good friend, or the ex of a family member. It just doesn't feel right, almost like dating a family member--YIKES!

4.) Having halitosis.     
     If a woman with whom I'm out on a date has nasty bad breath, I may finish out the evening, but there will never be another date.

3.) Having a highly noticeable cold sore.    
     Too risky. Sorry, but I don't walk on the wild side...at least not to this extent.

2.) Having B.O.

1.) Doing illegal drugs/drinking too much.          Women who partake in illegal drugs, intentionally exceed the prescribed (or recommended) dosage of legal drugs, or who consistently drink too much alcohol, are all suffering from some form of mental illness--and probably from brain damage too. 

     If this is you, then I would certainly be your friend; and, if you chose to seek professional help, do all that I can to "be there for you"--but there's no way in the world I would date you. Get yourself together first, learn to love yourself, and then you can think about making someone else happy.
     
   
     So there you have it, my own non-scientific and personal list of 15 things that make a woman undateable. And as unfair as this listing may appear, I have actually encountered each of these dreadful faux pas (some ladies were actually multiple offenders)--and each time one of them occurred, my romantic attraction to the girl in question went nearly to zilch. So, unfair or not--for me anyways, this list is absolutely 100% real.

     But what do you think--am I being too harsh here? Which items are the most unfair? Should I have left some items out? Are there items not listed that should have been included? How long would your list be?