Tuesday, April 27, 2010

How Metrosexuals Are Ruining My Game!

Beware, Ladies! Because at first glance this relatively new breed of a man may closely resemble your long-cultivated image of a Mr. Right: He dresses well and has an overrall slick sense of style, he doesn't mind spending long hours with you shopping at the outlet mall, and he even cries right alongside you during all your favorite romantic comedies...

He's probably not gay--but he may not be entirely straight, either. He's a metrosexual, and he (along with many others like him) just so happen to be ruining my time-tested "strong and silent type" methods of attracting women.

For example: Where I may spend weeks flirting with a girl before I even consider making any type of a serious move, these guys are confessing their love for the female object of their affections within the first few minutes of their very first conversation together! And more and more women are falling for this flaky approach, and kicking the more traditional rap of a man's man out onto the nearest curb...

C'mon now, girls. Do you really want to be with a guy who spends more time in the bathroom than you do? Or who chit-chats and gossips right alongside you, just like one of your girlfriends? And do you really want a guy who calls you 37 times a day just because he wants to say "hi" or "I love you??"

Just consider the terrible experience my 30-year old friend Stacy (a gal I was pursuing using my "old school" methods) had with one of these card-carrying metrosexuals (Alex) earlier this year:

January, 2010: Stacy complains to me how Alex is more
or less stalking her and calls her dozens of
times each day...

February, 2010: On Valentine's Day, Alex confesses his
love for Stacy and showers her with balloons, candies, and long stem roses. All before they've even had a first date! It apparently worked, though, because they became "official" just a few days later...

March, 2010: Stacy begins to tell me about all the feminine characteristics Alex (now her boyfriend) is starting to display: Like crying during the Academy Awards, inputting little hearts on all his texts and emails to her, and letting her always decide where they will go on dates...

April, 2010: Stacy becomes convinced that Raymond is either bisexual or a closet homosexual and dumps him. He of course sobs like a baby and threatens to kill himself. Don't worry, though. She called the authorities and he eventually got over it.

But what fully bummed me out about this entire ordeal (from Valentine's Day until the first week in April) was that Alex, despite his pathetic game, was participating in all those wonderful activities in which boyfriends participate with their girlfriends. And all I have to show for this time period are the memories of countless late night phone calls from Stacy regarding all her relationship problems!

So that's my rant. Are women these days so impatient that they don't have time to participate in the traditional art of flirtation? Is being completely in touch with our feminine sides really how we men are expected to behave in order to attract single females?

What's a real man to do in this peculiar, gender-swapping Era of the Metrosexual Male?

Friday, April 2, 2010

The Secret Power of Women

In case you haven't noticed, women notice everything.

In fact, I have no idea why I even bother buying mirrors anymore, because every flaw in my appearance is usually immediately noticed by the closest female in my path.

I think they're born with this secret power, too, because even my friend Zelda's 11-year old daughter recently asked me "Dave, did you forget to shave this morning? 'Cuz all that hair on your face makes you look OLD!"

And that's just the beginning of my troubles, because it seems that I'm constantly interracting with women who are in possession of this Secret Power: Whether it's the ladies who live on my street, the women at the post office, the girls who hire me for karaoke parties, or the females shopping at the grocery store...

...many of these females point out all the little things that are wrong with my "look": When my colors don't match, when my shirts are too tight (making me look like a stuffed burrito), or too loose (making me look enormous), or even when my shirt has the tiniest little stain; when my socks aren't pulled up all the way, when my shoes are all wrong, or when my haircut is bad, and on and on and on...

Can you imagine the pressure this Secret Power of theirs places on a comparatively clueless bachelor such as myself?

But I refuse to continue fighting Mother Nature in this futile manner, for I now finally realize that I'll never be able to notice everything that a woman notices.

So, now that spring is officially here, here's my plan of action: When I eventually get around to shopping for spring & summer clothing, I will take a WOMAN with me so that I can hold her responsible for any part of my wardrobe that is even the slightest bit wrong!

But who am I trying to fool? I know that, because I will be following the style advice of a female, I will be better dressed this spring than I have been during my entire life!

There's just one part of this Secret Power that I can't figure out, though: When a married woman buys clothes for her husband, is her goal to make him look as good as possible, or to make him look as undesirable to other women as possible?