We straight, single men could learn a lot from lesbians. But before I get into the specifics of all that, allow me to state that I have, over the course of the past 20 or so years, FAILED to hook-up with approximately 12 potential girlfriends due to the finely-honed courtship skills of lesbians!
And that's no exaggeration: In head-to-head hooking-up competition, I have been thoroughly beaten by lesbians due to 3 distinct reasons:
The first reason is: Lesbians rarely give up on the chase. They persist until they've either:
A.) Melted the heart of the object of their affection, OR...
B.) Been angrily told to "LEAVE ME ALONE before I
file a sexual harassment lawsuit against you!" Again,
by the object of their affection...
The second reason is: Lesbians aren't nearly as concerned as straight men are about appearing "girly."
Because, after all, they're GIRLS, right? So, most don't think twice about texting/calling the damsel of their dreams, say, 75-100 times a day. Or they might even pop into their dream girl's place of employment every single freakin' day just to say "HI."
Now keep in mind that if I were to behave in a similar manner towards my current crush, I would be labeled as "too needy," "too desperate," and "way too girly!" So you see, there's absolutely no way for me to match these blatant displays of homosexual affection because, at the end of the day, just about every woman secretly loves to be showered with attention, regardless of the source!
And last but not least: How can I possibly hope to go toe-to-toe with a lesbian when it comes to knowing a woman's pleasure zones? Obviously, that would be an impossible challenge because I don't have "access to the equipment" 24 hours a dang day like a lesbian has!
Look, all I'm trying to say here is that I truly admire lesbians because they apparently know how to fulfill all of a woman's needs much better than I. But each time I lose a potential girlfriend to a lesbian, I get a little bit wiser to their skills.
I get a little bit wiser each time.
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
How Metrosexuals Are Ruining My Game!
Beware, Ladies! Because at first glance this relatively new breed of a man may closely resemble your long-cultivated image of a Mr. Right: He dresses well and has an overrall slick sense of style, he doesn't mind spending long hours with you shopping at the outlet mall, and he even cries right alongside you during all your favorite romantic comedies...
He's probably not gay--but he may not be entirely straight, either. He's a metrosexual, and he (along with many others like him) just so happen to be ruining my time-tested "strong and silent type" methods of attracting women.
For example: Where I may spend weeks flirting with a girl before I even consider making any type of a serious move, these guys are confessing their love for the female object of their affections within the first few minutes of their very first conversation together! And more and more women are falling for this flaky approach, and kicking the more traditional rap of a man's man out onto the nearest curb...
C'mon now, girls. Do you really want to be with a guy who spends more time in the bathroom than you do? Or who chit-chats and gossips right alongside you, just like one of your girlfriends? And do you really want a guy who calls you 37 times a day just because he wants to say "hi" or "I love you??"
Just consider the terrible experience my 30-year old friend Stacy (a gal I was pursuing using my "old school" methods) had with one of these card-carrying metrosexuals (Alex) earlier this year:
January, 2010: Stacy complains to me how Alex is more
or less stalking her and calls her dozens of
times each day...
February, 2010: On Valentine's Day, Alex confesses his
love for Stacy and showers her with balloons, candies, and long stem roses. All before they've even had a first date! It apparently worked, though, because they became "official" just a few days later...
March, 2010: Stacy begins to tell me about all the feminine characteristics Alex (now her boyfriend) is starting to display: Like crying during the Academy Awards, inputting little hearts on all his texts and emails to her, and letting her always decide where they will go on dates...
April, 2010: Stacy becomes convinced that Raymond is either bisexual or a closet homosexual and dumps him. He of course sobs like a baby and threatens to kill himself. Don't worry, though. She called the authorities and he eventually got over it.
But what fully bummed me out about this entire ordeal (from Valentine's Day until the first week in April) was that Alex, despite his pathetic game, was participating in all those wonderful activities in which boyfriends participate with their girlfriends. And all I have to show for this time period are the memories of countless late night phone calls from Stacy regarding all her relationship problems!
So that's my rant. Are women these days so impatient that they don't have time to participate in the traditional art of flirtation? Is being completely in touch with our feminine sides really how we men are expected to behave in order to attract single females?
What's a real man to do in this peculiar, gender-swapping Era of the Metrosexual Male?
He's probably not gay--but he may not be entirely straight, either. He's a metrosexual, and he (along with many others like him) just so happen to be ruining my time-tested "strong and silent type" methods of attracting women.
For example: Where I may spend weeks flirting with a girl before I even consider making any type of a serious move, these guys are confessing their love for the female object of their affections within the first few minutes of their very first conversation together! And more and more women are falling for this flaky approach, and kicking the more traditional rap of a man's man out onto the nearest curb...
C'mon now, girls. Do you really want to be with a guy who spends more time in the bathroom than you do? Or who chit-chats and gossips right alongside you, just like one of your girlfriends? And do you really want a guy who calls you 37 times a day just because he wants to say "hi" or "I love you??"
Just consider the terrible experience my 30-year old friend Stacy (a gal I was pursuing using my "old school" methods) had with one of these card-carrying metrosexuals (Alex) earlier this year:
January, 2010: Stacy complains to me how Alex is more
or less stalking her and calls her dozens of
times each day...
February, 2010: On Valentine's Day, Alex confesses his
love for Stacy and showers her with balloons, candies, and long stem roses. All before they've even had a first date! It apparently worked, though, because they became "official" just a few days later...
March, 2010: Stacy begins to tell me about all the feminine characteristics Alex (now her boyfriend) is starting to display: Like crying during the Academy Awards, inputting little hearts on all his texts and emails to her, and letting her always decide where they will go on dates...
April, 2010: Stacy becomes convinced that Raymond is either bisexual or a closet homosexual and dumps him. He of course sobs like a baby and threatens to kill himself. Don't worry, though. She called the authorities and he eventually got over it.
But what fully bummed me out about this entire ordeal (from Valentine's Day until the first week in April) was that Alex, despite his pathetic game, was participating in all those wonderful activities in which boyfriends participate with their girlfriends. And all I have to show for this time period are the memories of countless late night phone calls from Stacy regarding all her relationship problems!
So that's my rant. Are women these days so impatient that they don't have time to participate in the traditional art of flirtation? Is being completely in touch with our feminine sides really how we men are expected to behave in order to attract single females?
What's a real man to do in this peculiar, gender-swapping Era of the Metrosexual Male?
Friday, April 2, 2010
The Secret Power of Women
In case you haven't noticed, women notice everything.
In fact, I have no idea why I even bother buying mirrors anymore, because every flaw in my appearance is usually immediately noticed by the closest female in my path.
I think they're born with this secret power, too, because even my friend Zelda's 11-year old daughter recently asked me "Dave, did you forget to shave this morning? 'Cuz all that hair on your face makes you look OLD!"
And that's just the beginning of my troubles, because it seems that I'm constantly interracting with women who are in possession of this Secret Power: Whether it's the ladies who live on my street, the women at the post office, the girls who hire me for karaoke parties, or the females shopping at the grocery store...
...many of these females point out all the little things that are wrong with my "look": When my colors don't match, when my shirts are too tight (making me look like a stuffed burrito), or too loose (making me look enormous), or even when my shirt has the tiniest little stain; when my socks aren't pulled up all the way, when my shoes are all wrong, or when my haircut is bad, and on and on and on...
Can you imagine the pressure this Secret Power of theirs places on a comparatively clueless bachelor such as myself?
But I refuse to continue fighting Mother Nature in this futile manner, for I now finally realize that I'll never be able to notice everything that a woman notices.
So, now that spring is officially here, here's my plan of action: When I eventually get around to shopping for spring & summer clothing, I will take a WOMAN with me so that I can hold her responsible for any part of my wardrobe that is even the slightest bit wrong!
But who am I trying to fool? I know that, because I will be following the style advice of a female, I will be better dressed this spring than I have been during my entire life!
There's just one part of this Secret Power that I can't figure out, though: When a married woman buys clothes for her husband, is her goal to make him look as good as possible, or to make him look as undesirable to other women as possible?
In fact, I have no idea why I even bother buying mirrors anymore, because every flaw in my appearance is usually immediately noticed by the closest female in my path.
I think they're born with this secret power, too, because even my friend Zelda's 11-year old daughter recently asked me "Dave, did you forget to shave this morning? 'Cuz all that hair on your face makes you look OLD!"
And that's just the beginning of my troubles, because it seems that I'm constantly interracting with women who are in possession of this Secret Power: Whether it's the ladies who live on my street, the women at the post office, the girls who hire me for karaoke parties, or the females shopping at the grocery store...
...many of these females point out all the little things that are wrong with my "look": When my colors don't match, when my shirts are too tight (making me look like a stuffed burrito), or too loose (making me look enormous), or even when my shirt has the tiniest little stain; when my socks aren't pulled up all the way, when my shoes are all wrong, or when my haircut is bad, and on and on and on...
Can you imagine the pressure this Secret Power of theirs places on a comparatively clueless bachelor such as myself?
But I refuse to continue fighting Mother Nature in this futile manner, for I now finally realize that I'll never be able to notice everything that a woman notices.
So, now that spring is officially here, here's my plan of action: When I eventually get around to shopping for spring & summer clothing, I will take a WOMAN with me so that I can hold her responsible for any part of my wardrobe that is even the slightest bit wrong!
But who am I trying to fool? I know that, because I will be following the style advice of a female, I will be better dressed this spring than I have been during my entire life!
There's just one part of this Secret Power that I can't figure out, though: When a married woman buys clothes for her husband, is her goal to make him look as good as possible, or to make him look as undesirable to other women as possible?
Friday, March 19, 2010
The Four Stages of Manhood
Hey ladies, ask yourselves one question the next time your man throws a jealous fit: "Is this guy a real man or what?" Because that's the exact same question I recently had to ask an ex-girlfriend about her latest boyfriend.
"No Dave, we can't go to your New Year's Eve party. My boyfriend gets very jealous in situations like that," she said.
"Situations like what?" I asked.
"Well, you know, because you're my ex-boyfriend and all. He just wouldn't be able to deal with the whole situation," she explained.
"I don't understand. Is your boyfriend a real man or what?"
What an insecure pansy that guy must be. I mean, do you think real men like Brad Pitt, Denzel Washington, Johnny Depp, and Antonio Banderas get jealous when their ladies talk about or even hang out with other guys? Even if one of two of those other guys just so happen to be "ex's?"
No, they don't. Because when a man is totally secure with himself, there's absolutely no reason for him to be jealous of anyone or anything. But if you're still not sure whether or not the male in your life is indeed a man, consider my Four Stages of Manhood:
Stage 1, BABY (age 0-4):
Eats, sleeps, cries, and poops. And that's about it.
Stage 2, BOY (age 5-14):
Realizes he's different from girls, but often acts feminine and still cries an awful lot. Feelings are easily hurt. Doesn't have a clue how to attract girls once he begins to notice them (at around age 12 or so), unless he's been coached by his dad or an older brother.
Stage 3, GUY (age 15-?):
If he's not ugly, dresses decent, and doesn't act too stupid, girls will notice him. Gets too attached to his crushes, though. Is prone to crying if the girl he likes doesn't "like him back." Is needy. Still acts feminine and becomes jealous rather easily. Has anger-management issues, but backs down whenever seriously confronted (usually by a real man). Plenty of ladies are attracted to this type of male early on (because he's easy to "train," seems "exciting," and is at an age when many males are at their "cutest"), but they eventually grow tired of his weak ways. Sadly, many guys never advance beyond this stage...
Stage 4, MAN (as early as age 21, and as late as NEVER):
Finally understands that he is a great catch for many, many women and therefore acts accordingly. This is the so-called Alpha-Male and is sometimes described as being the "strong, modest, and silent type." Women are attracted to him mostly because he's not needy like all the guys & boys they've dated in the past. He never gets jealous, because he is silently and acutely aware of just how much he brings to the table in a relationship. Never cries and never lies to his girl. Is there for his lady, and keeps all his promises too. If it ever came down to it, he'd even take a bullet for the girl he loves--without even blinking an eye.
So ladies, I ask you to once again consider the male in your life and ask yourselves one question: "Is this guy a real man, or what?"
"No Dave, we can't go to your New Year's Eve party. My boyfriend gets very jealous in situations like that," she said.
"Situations like what?" I asked.
"Well, you know, because you're my ex-boyfriend and all. He just wouldn't be able to deal with the whole situation," she explained.
"I don't understand. Is your boyfriend a real man or what?"
What an insecure pansy that guy must be. I mean, do you think real men like Brad Pitt, Denzel Washington, Johnny Depp, and Antonio Banderas get jealous when their ladies talk about or even hang out with other guys? Even if one of two of those other guys just so happen to be "ex's?"
No, they don't. Because when a man is totally secure with himself, there's absolutely no reason for him to be jealous of anyone or anything. But if you're still not sure whether or not the male in your life is indeed a man, consider my Four Stages of Manhood:
Stage 1, BABY (age 0-4):
Eats, sleeps, cries, and poops. And that's about it.
Stage 2, BOY (age 5-14):
Realizes he's different from girls, but often acts feminine and still cries an awful lot. Feelings are easily hurt. Doesn't have a clue how to attract girls once he begins to notice them (at around age 12 or so), unless he's been coached by his dad or an older brother.
Stage 3, GUY (age 15-?):
If he's not ugly, dresses decent, and doesn't act too stupid, girls will notice him. Gets too attached to his crushes, though. Is prone to crying if the girl he likes doesn't "like him back." Is needy. Still acts feminine and becomes jealous rather easily. Has anger-management issues, but backs down whenever seriously confronted (usually by a real man). Plenty of ladies are attracted to this type of male early on (because he's easy to "train," seems "exciting," and is at an age when many males are at their "cutest"), but they eventually grow tired of his weak ways. Sadly, many guys never advance beyond this stage...
Stage 4, MAN (as early as age 21, and as late as NEVER):
Finally understands that he is a great catch for many, many women and therefore acts accordingly. This is the so-called Alpha-Male and is sometimes described as being the "strong, modest, and silent type." Women are attracted to him mostly because he's not needy like all the guys & boys they've dated in the past. He never gets jealous, because he is silently and acutely aware of just how much he brings to the table in a relationship. Never cries and never lies to his girl. Is there for his lady, and keeps all his promises too. If it ever came down to it, he'd even take a bullet for the girl he loves--without even blinking an eye.
So ladies, I ask you to once again consider the male in your life and ask yourselves one question: "Is this guy a real man, or what?"
Friday, March 12, 2010
How To Lose A Girl In 9 Seconds
I used to wonder why so many guys contact me for “girl advice.” After all, here I am in my early 40’s, never married and never a daddy. I mean, shouldn’t the experiences of a married man with children be infinitely more useful to these love-torn, advice-seeking men than any words I might have to offer them?
Apparently not. It dawned on me that they were picking my brain precisely because I’ve never married, and because I’ve been dumped so many times, and because I’ve never had children.
To break it down further: had I married at age 20, I would currently be able to talk about my dating experiences with 5 different women (I dated 4 girls when I was aged 16-20). But now, because I’ve never been married, I can freely share my experiences of dating over 100 different girls over the past 25 years! I know that sounds like an awful lot of ladies, but it works out to only about 4 different gals per year…
So, whenever these friends and aquaintances contact me for some basic girl advice, I try to explain that most women have similar needs and wants, and that men will be successful in their pursuit of them if they just remember to not do 9 things. Because doing any of these 9 things will cause a girl to bid you sayonara in about 9 seconds or less! Well, maybe not right there in front of you, but certainly in her heart, soul, and mind.
And let me also mention that this list is intended only for us average looking guys. If you look like Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp, Robert Pattinson and guys like that, then you can basically get away with just showing up for the date and still get yourself fawned over. Dang pretty boys!
Mistake #1: Don’t ask if she has a boyfriend.
Especially in the beginning, because right away it lets her know that you like her and want to go out with her, and may already want to be her boyfriend! Girls thrive on men who are both a mystery and a “challenge,” so by flat-out asking her this question you’ve ceased to be both. And by asking her this question you’ve already given her all the power, even before the first date–which I doubt will ever even occur by using this approach.
Mistake #2: Don’t act too nice.
Which kind of girl do you prefer: One who acts sweet or one who acts tough? Dumb question, right? You like the sweet-acting girl because she acts feminine. So, why do so many GUYS act feminine when encountering the girl of their dreams? Very few women are attracted to feminine-acting men! Act like a man, for heaven’s sake — that is, if you ever plan on becoming more than the dreaded “just friends” with her.
Mistake #3: Don’t be “friends first.”
This is a ploy that lots of guys use and it is a HUGE waste of time. Once in a great while (mostly in romance novels) friends become lovers. Well, guess what? You probably have a better chance of being struck by lighting than you do of this phenomenon ever happening to you. Once a girl sees you as being just like another one of her girlfriends, it’s pretty much impossible for her to imagine you as ever becoming her knight in shining armor. Get the picture? Good.
Mistake #4: Never ogle her body with your eyes.
This seems like obvious advice, but you’d be surprised at how many guys carry on a conversation with a girl they like and spend more time looking at her body than into her eyes! When you behave in this manner, a first date is pretty much out of the question. Think like a girl for a minute: Especially if she doesn’t know you all that well, she may consider the dreadful possibility of your trying to rape her on a first date!
Mistake #5: Don’t talk too much.
Being chatty and overly-expressive of your feelings is acceptable with friends, family, and some co-workers; but when it comes to dating, most women prefer the “strong and silent type.”
Mistake #6: Don’t ASK a girl for a date.
When you ask a girl on a date, it just sets you up for failure. Most women are pre-wired to resist in the same way that most men are pre-wired to pursue. So, replace “Would you like to?,” and ”Do you wanna?,” with “Let’s” and “We should.” This takes a load of pressure off her and also shows her that you’re a take-charge kind of guy.
Mistake #7: Don’t make a move on the first date.
Remember, women like mystery and a challenge, so by making a move on the first date you’ve ruined both those ideals for her. Plus, on a first date you should be getting to know each other in a light-hearted atmosphere (lunch, coffee, a walk in the park, etc.). When in doubt, simply remember to always be a gentleman on that first date!
Mistake #8: Don’t stare at other girls or take phone calls when out with her.
I feel silly for even having to even mention these faux pas, but many women will tell you just how common this type of behavior really is!
Mistake #9: Don’t tell her you love her until you’re practically ENGAGED!
So many things have to happen in just the right order for a meaningful relationship to develop between a man and a woman. And telling the girl of your dreams “I love you” is just about LAST on that list. You see, woman know that men are capable of uttering these three little words without actually meaning what they say–so when you finally do say them, she’ll have known it in her heart for many months, simply by your actions leading up to the confession.
Pursuing the “Girl of your Dreams” is hard work, but by focusing on what not to do, you’ll have a much better chance of ultimately earning her affections. I can pretty much assure you that, unless the girl in question already likes you, violating any of these 9 mistakes will ruin any chance you have of ever becoming her man.
And also, make sure the object of your affections is actually worthy of all your efforts, because it takes A LOT of time and energy to go after a girl you like. I have to admit that I’m pretty tired of the whole game. So from now on, I think I’ll only date girls who I know are interested in me. How can I tell when a girl likes me? It’s EASY, for crying out loud–but I’ll save that information for a future post…
Apparently not. It dawned on me that they were picking my brain precisely because I’ve never married, and because I’ve been dumped so many times, and because I’ve never had children.
To break it down further: had I married at age 20, I would currently be able to talk about my dating experiences with 5 different women (I dated 4 girls when I was aged 16-20). But now, because I’ve never been married, I can freely share my experiences of dating over 100 different girls over the past 25 years! I know that sounds like an awful lot of ladies, but it works out to only about 4 different gals per year…
So, whenever these friends and aquaintances contact me for some basic girl advice, I try to explain that most women have similar needs and wants, and that men will be successful in their pursuit of them if they just remember to not do 9 things. Because doing any of these 9 things will cause a girl to bid you sayonara in about 9 seconds or less! Well, maybe not right there in front of you, but certainly in her heart, soul, and mind.
And let me also mention that this list is intended only for us average looking guys. If you look like Brad Pitt, Johnny Depp, Robert Pattinson and guys like that, then you can basically get away with just showing up for the date and still get yourself fawned over. Dang pretty boys!
Mistake #1: Don’t ask if she has a boyfriend.
Especially in the beginning, because right away it lets her know that you like her and want to go out with her, and may already want to be her boyfriend! Girls thrive on men who are both a mystery and a “challenge,” so by flat-out asking her this question you’ve ceased to be both. And by asking her this question you’ve already given her all the power, even before the first date–which I doubt will ever even occur by using this approach.
Mistake #2: Don’t act too nice.
Which kind of girl do you prefer: One who acts sweet or one who acts tough? Dumb question, right? You like the sweet-acting girl because she acts feminine. So, why do so many GUYS act feminine when encountering the girl of their dreams? Very few women are attracted to feminine-acting men! Act like a man, for heaven’s sake — that is, if you ever plan on becoming more than the dreaded “just friends” with her.
Mistake #3: Don’t be “friends first.”
This is a ploy that lots of guys use and it is a HUGE waste of time. Once in a great while (mostly in romance novels) friends become lovers. Well, guess what? You probably have a better chance of being struck by lighting than you do of this phenomenon ever happening to you. Once a girl sees you as being just like another one of her girlfriends, it’s pretty much impossible for her to imagine you as ever becoming her knight in shining armor. Get the picture? Good.
Mistake #4: Never ogle her body with your eyes.
This seems like obvious advice, but you’d be surprised at how many guys carry on a conversation with a girl they like and spend more time looking at her body than into her eyes! When you behave in this manner, a first date is pretty much out of the question. Think like a girl for a minute: Especially if she doesn’t know you all that well, she may consider the dreadful possibility of your trying to rape her on a first date!
Mistake #5: Don’t talk too much.
Being chatty and overly-expressive of your feelings is acceptable with friends, family, and some co-workers; but when it comes to dating, most women prefer the “strong and silent type.”
Mistake #6: Don’t ASK a girl for a date.
When you ask a girl on a date, it just sets you up for failure. Most women are pre-wired to resist in the same way that most men are pre-wired to pursue. So, replace “Would you like to?,” and ”Do you wanna?,” with “Let’s” and “We should.” This takes a load of pressure off her and also shows her that you’re a take-charge kind of guy.
Mistake #7: Don’t make a move on the first date.
Remember, women like mystery and a challenge, so by making a move on the first date you’ve ruined both those ideals for her. Plus, on a first date you should be getting to know each other in a light-hearted atmosphere (lunch, coffee, a walk in the park, etc.). When in doubt, simply remember to always be a gentleman on that first date!
Mistake #8: Don’t stare at other girls or take phone calls when out with her.
I feel silly for even having to even mention these faux pas, but many women will tell you just how common this type of behavior really is!
Mistake #9: Don’t tell her you love her until you’re practically ENGAGED!
So many things have to happen in just the right order for a meaningful relationship to develop between a man and a woman. And telling the girl of your dreams “I love you” is just about LAST on that list. You see, woman know that men are capable of uttering these three little words without actually meaning what they say–so when you finally do say them, she’ll have known it in her heart for many months, simply by your actions leading up to the confession.
Pursuing the “Girl of your Dreams” is hard work, but by focusing on what not to do, you’ll have a much better chance of ultimately earning her affections. I can pretty much assure you that, unless the girl in question already likes you, violating any of these 9 mistakes will ruin any chance you have of ever becoming her man.
And also, make sure the object of your affections is actually worthy of all your efforts, because it takes A LOT of time and energy to go after a girl you like. I have to admit that I’m pretty tired of the whole game. So from now on, I think I’ll only date girls who I know are interested in me. How can I tell when a girl likes me? It’s EASY, for crying out loud–but I’ll save that information for a future post…
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