Friday, March 19, 2010

The Four Stages of Manhood

Hey ladies, ask yourselves one question the next time your man throws a jealous fit: "Is this guy a real man or what?" Because that's the exact same question I recently had to ask an ex-girlfriend about her latest boyfriend.

"No Dave, we can't go to your New Year's Eve party. My boyfriend gets very jealous in situations like that," she said.

"Situations like what?" I asked.

"Well, you know, because you're my ex-boyfriend and all. He just wouldn't be able to deal with the whole situation," she explained.

"I don't understand. Is your boyfriend a real man or what?"

What an insecure pansy that guy must be. I mean, do you think real men like Brad Pitt, Denzel Washington, Johnny Depp, and Antonio Banderas get jealous when their ladies talk about or even hang out with other guys? Even if one of two of those other guys just so happen to be "ex's?"

No, they don't. Because when a man is totally secure with himself, there's absolutely no reason for him to be jealous of anyone or anything. But if you're still not sure whether or not the male in your life is indeed a man, consider my Four Stages of Manhood:


Stage 1, BABY (age 0-4):
Eats, sleeps, cries, and poops. And that's about it.

Stage 2, BOY (age 5-14):
Realizes he's different from girls, but often acts feminine and still cries an awful lot. Feelings are easily hurt. Doesn't have a clue how to attract girls once he begins to notice them (at around age 12 or so), unless he's been coached by his dad or an older brother.

Stage 3, GUY (age 15-?):
If he's not ugly, dresses decent, and doesn't act too stupid, girls will notice him. Gets too attached to his crushes, though. Is prone to crying if the girl he likes doesn't "like him back." Is needy. Still acts feminine and becomes jealous rather easily. Has anger-management issues, but backs down whenever seriously confronted (usually by a real man). Plenty of ladies are attracted to this type of male early on (because he's easy to "train," seems "exciting," and is at an age when many males are at their "cutest"), but they eventually grow tired of his weak ways. Sadly, many guys never advance beyond this stage...

Stage 4, MAN (as early as age 21, and as late as NEVER):
Finally understands that he is a great catch for many, many women and therefore acts accordingly. This is the so-called Alpha-Male and is sometimes described as being the "strong, modest, and silent type." Women are attracted to him mostly because he's not needy like all the guys & boys they've dated in the past. He never gets jealous, because he is silently and acutely aware of just how much he brings to the table in a relationship. Never cries and never lies to his girl. Is there for his lady, and keeps all his promises too. If it ever came down to it, he'd even take a bullet for the girl he loves--without even blinking an eye.

So ladies, I ask you to once again consider the male in your life and ask yourselves one question: "Is this guy a real man, or what?"

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